God is an Astronaut

Music in my head: Opeth - A Fair Judgement
Today's weather: In the armpit of the world.

I had lost all contact with humanity. The Mass Effect Drives had approximately one chance in a million of malfunctioning, and evidently, I was the lucky winner. I was drifting through uncharted space. I had put my crew in Stasis, almost zero metabolism, in the hope that we might stretch our resources until, well until a fool’s wildest dream triumphs over the tenets of Rationalism. The powerful Navigation Systems on board The Normandy had been engaged on full power for as long as I could remember, in vain. The SOS beacon atop the hull had been lit, and walked around my ship one last time.
I had been sitting with my eyes closed, contemplating the gravity of the situation, when the shrill Alarm of the NavSys broke my reverie. It had homed in on a foreign object within communication range. I ran to the deck, where the first images of this object were being rendered on the Comm. Panel. And then everything went black.
When I opened my eyes, I was blinded at first by sharp white light. After my eyes got accustomed to the light, the staggering sight paralyzed me for a moment. Inanimate bodies stretched as far as the eye could see. I would have mistaken them for dead had I not accidentally noticed the almost imperceptible breathing- characteristic of Stasis. I began to notice that they were waking up from Stasis one by one. As my eyes grew more and more accustomed to the ambience, the sight that greeted me made me jump out of my skin. These were not people- they had no hair on the head, no eyebrows, no ears. And then I looked at my own hands. I almost passed out from shock. I was as hairless as an 18th century portrayal of an angel. I felt my face- no eyebrows, no cranial hair, and no ears. I saw that the rest of the people who had awoken mirrored my feelings, with some actually dropping to the floor, unconscious from such a humungous surprise.
Then, as if guided by a voice, I started walking, along with the rest of the multitude, now awake from hibernation. I do not know for how long we walked, and I do not know how much distance we covered. All I could see were these, these humanoids in all directions, stretching to the horizons. Slowly, the crowd began to thin. I could see that I was walking on a green pasture, with holes leading underground, and people disappearing into them one by one. I walked on, led by this omnipresent yet invisible Force.
Just then, I had the strongest urge to look up towards the sky. With great strength of will, I forced myself to look heavenwards. There it was- our magnificent Sun, and a blue sky, and birds, and clouds. All around us were the same trees, herds of antelope, butterflies and bees. We were on Earth. But Earth was not the same, and neither were we. All our traces of humanity ever having existed were wiped off the surface of the planet, and humanity was replaced by us- rid of all its vestiges and inefficiencies. We were the next step in evolution, except that evolution turned out to be a hoax.
As I walked into my hole, I realized that all those religious fanatics were right. God exists, but He is not a Flying Spaghetti Monster, He is an astronaut.

G-Man is coming to get you raa!

Music in my head: Mono - Pure as Snow(Trails of the Winter Storm)
Today's weather: Morose

He can see you.
Guzzling gunpowder, glowing amidst the gory remains of gall-less gladiators, in all the glory of his gigantic yet glamourous, geisha-esque glutes, gay as springtime, he gauges your every move.
He can see you. The question is, can you see him?

G-Man.

In all major cinemas this November with subtitles in 14 major languages, including klingon, elvish and calculus.

Check out the Promo Videos with the G-Man OST, both the happy version and the sad version.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP9IrU6qvDA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6y3d7Wn9mI


Lyrics:

G-Man OST - Performed by Why Saar?

Is there a crisis?
Here's G-Man.
Filled up with faeces?
Here's G-Man.
Endangered Species?
Here's G-Man.
Destraay yuar Englees?
Here's G-Man.

G-G-G-G-G-Man!
Fighting Crime Like only he can!

Geeeeeee-Man, Man, Man....

Buzz Off

Music in my head: Harmonium - Vert
Today's weather: Like the vicinity of yesterday's sambar in a dumpster.

They buzz around, the flying fiends,
And, oh! But you can’t hear them.
They stalk you now, as you read,
Even as you condemn them.
They probe and sense and size you up,
Mandibles they slowly unsheathe,
And wide-mouthed and starry-eyed,
Into your neck, they sink their teeth.
You feel the sting, you see the thing
Chewing up your sensitive skin.
You swat away, you flail away,
You squish the life right out of him.
But, oh! His work’s already done,
A little red spot- his prize.
And the next morning you open your eyes,
Look in the mirror- surprise, surprise!
A little world map burnt into your side,
Ah! Look, here’s good old Trichy.
The Doc tells you- “It’s insect pee,
You’ve sensitive skin? That’s a pity.”
Now every time you turn your head,
There’s searing pain, and one thought,
That little David felled the giant
With nothing more than a slingshot.

Nursery Cryme

Music in my head: Opeth - The Grand Conjuration
Today's weather: Sweatbox day.

Little beads of perspiration;
Going drip drip drip.
When there's no water all around
That I could sip sip sip.
And there's no electricity so that
The fan could spin spin spin.
And I'd be burned to ash outside
So I stay in in in.
A special Sunday with seven hours
Of power cut cut cut.
Take your sadistic smile and shove it
Up your butt butt butt.
Write a cheque for at least a grand
Send it to me me me.
A battery-inverter set from
The visions I see see see...
Would finally spring to vigorous life
And end this triplicate refrain.
And all the King's horses and all the King's men
Would never ever be the same again.

But Brutus is an honourable man

Music in my head: The Mayfield Four - Eden
Today's weather: Slushy

My friend next door became an Indian Oil Baabu yesterday. A year from now he'll chewing paan and pushing papers, just like the esteemed administration at our own institute.
Although, of course, I'm very happy for my friend (whose butt in about twice its original size from a veritable artillery barrage of myriad shoe sizes), my lack of a really firmly fixed future leaves me, like the rest of us, a hardened cynic. Thus, now, I will bitch about our administration and their impressive inefficiency.
Starting with the Academic Department. I wanted to have my transcript and grade cards printed out. I went to bear man.
1 pm, July 23, Bear Man: Come at 2:30.
2:30 pm, July 23, Bear Man : Come at 4:30.
4:30 pm, July 23, Bear Man : Come tomorrow.
9 am, July 24, Bear Man : What, you did not inform me yesterday. Come at 2:30.
Pattern of July 23 repeats.
Pattern of July 23 repeats again on July 26.
I get my grade cards at 4:30 on July 26.
Pattern of July 23 repeats again on July 27, for the transcript.
In my frustration, I decided not go go again for two days. I'll go tomorrow, and you can guess what's going to happen.

Moving on to the computer support group. I was trying to access the Xilinx website, and I got a huge red flashing warning which informed me that I was being a naughty boy and trying to watch download pornography. I half expected a hand to magically spring out of the computer and spank me.
Au Contraire, the following was proudly splashed along with other notices at the most happening place in college, the juice shop (go ahead, laugh at us).
That is, of course, 'educational', but Brutus is an honourable man.

And while I was stranded at the juice stall, in the pouring rain, this is what I saw.
A T-shirt that says 'Hard and Dirty, Extremely Furny'. Furny brownies to anyone who can tell me what it means. A walking testament of the lack of real pornography, and the abundance of 'hot mallu aunties in red sari' on youtube, which, of course, is again a testament to our Brutus' honour.

Another furny guy lost his pen drive. This is how he appeals to the masses for help.
And one more year to go. It is certainly not 'a great pleasure to me'.
But then again...

Desert Haiku

Music in my head: Sigur Rós - Milanó
Today's weather: Dusty, Windy, Trichy

(This is a set of Haikus. Notice that the syllable count is 3-5-3 in the first one, 5-7-5 in the second one and 7-9-7 in the third one, all just for fun. I call it a progressive haiku.)

Matted hair,
Dust winds are blowing,
Dandruff born.

My back is sweaty,
Sunshine burning my skin up,
As I walk around.

Was caught in sticky red tape,
When I tried to pay the fees today,
I look beautiful waxed.

My dusty wasteland

Music in my head: The Mars Volta - Eriatarka
Today's weather: Dusty, windy, guess where?

If you book a prepaid taxi
To go to the railway station,
Cater for some extra change,
For rest and relaxation.
A man grabbed the ticket
Right out of my clenched fist,
Then he rolled my trolley on
Towards a man with a list
Of taxis that were idling,
Waiting for someone
To get onto the rickety machine
So they could have some fun.
I gave the trolley pusher
Twenty Indian Rupees.
I felt like Shantaram then,
He beamed and pocketed his fees.
Onto the taxi ride then,
It's lucky I didn't end up dead,
As the driver pulled a Rajini
With his hands behind his head.
High speed turns he negotiated
With a sudden flick of his hand.
I was beyond relieved when he
Pulled into the Station's taxi stand.
"Driver tip", he asked audaciously,
I pulled out ten rupees this time.
He stared at the tenner for a while,
Then at me, with contempt, the slime.
I just walked towards the platform,
My train for Trichy was at ten.
It was just eight o'clock,
I didn't know what to do till then.,
Until I found a waiting room,
Which had a power supply, hurray!
So I powered on my computer,
And replied to e-mails I received today,
Then fooled around on Facebook,
Until the train came around.
I got my ticket checked an then
In the thambi rhythm, I was drowned.